2011 Festivus Countdown
"Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?" ~ George Costanza
Now you do! Over the past 60 days we have been counting down to Festivus. If you have missed any of our updates that we have published to Facebook and Twitter, here they are:
It's Festivus Day!!! Happy Festivus to one and all. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I've got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it! And remember, like George, it's okay to cry during the feats of strength. It's part of the grand Festivus tradition!
1 day until Festivus. Welcome newcomers, the tradition of Festivus is at hand. I've got a lot of problems with you people!
It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes.
2 days until Festivus. I'm so excited. I keep wanting to tell my boss that he couldn't smooth a silk sheet if he had a hot date with a babe... BUT I keep losing my train of thought.
3 Days until Festivus. It's time to collect your thoughts and form them into grievances. I've got a lot of problems with you people and you're going to hear about it! As Kramer would say, this new holiday of ours is scratching me right where I itch.
4 days until Festivus. Time to clear a spot in the living room for the Feats of Strength. Make sure you put Granny's chair close to the action, you know how much she enjoys wrestling!
5 days until Festivus. It's time to get the aluminum pole from the crawlspace. Throw out the tinsel, it's too distracting!
6 days until Festivus. Well, our rickshaw business is over. We strapped the rickshaw to a homeless guy and he bolted. You know, 80% of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first six months. We should have got some collateral from him. Like his bag of cans, or his... other bag of cans.
7 Days until Festivus! Isn't seven a lucky number? I am heading out to put a sawbuck down on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.
8 days until Festivus. Are you getting excited! Somewhere here on Facebook, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!
9 days until Festivus. Would anyone bid on me at the Festivus bachelor auction? I'm a high school graduate (equivalency program) graduate. I'm six foot three, one hundred ninety pounds. I like... fruit, I just got, um... a haircut. Do I hear... five bucks?
10 days until Festivus. I'm on the Mexican, woah oh oh, radio.
11 days until Festivus. A Festivus for the rest of of us! Some people say we are crazy because we celebrate Festivus. Are we crazy, or are we so sane that we are blowing their minds? Is it possible that Festivus is the way to go? Or is it so possible that their heads are spinning like tops?
12 Days until Festivus. Only a dozen days away. Things are looking up! Today, I have to cheer up a good friend who is very depressed since he found out that he would never be able to fulfil his lifelong dream of becoming a banker. I think I will tell him the joke with the pachyderm with two pizza slices. How does it go again?
13 Days until Festivus. Festivus is getting so much closer. Today I'm blowing up balloons. Of course those balloons won't last until Festivus. Those are my everyday balloons.
14 Days until Festivus. Only two weeks to go and I'm still looking for a date for Festivus. It's a problem. To top it off, I figure that 95% of the population is undatable? Don't believe me? Have you been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? Its a leper colony there. And, if you are wondering how all these people are getting together, I have one word for you: Alcohol.
15 Days until Festivus. I love Festivus, especially the airing of grievances. If anyone has a problem with Festivus they can just air a grievance... Air a grievance about the airing of grievances? That would be like someone making a coffee table book about coffee tables.
16 Days until Festivus. In my pre-Festivus medical checkup I have tested positive for opium. That's right. White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally. It must be because I have been shaving with poppy seed oil. It's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. The shave is close and clean, and the natural emolients keep my skin silky-smooth.
17 Days until Festivus. Do you have a date for Festivus? Maybe a blind date would be a good idea... though you must excuse my terminology as they don't call it a "blind date" anymore. It's now called a "setup". Apparently the blind people don't like being associated with a bunch of losers.
18 Days until Festivus. It's Monday and I have important appointment. I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
19 Days until Festivus. I bought too many paper napkins for this years Festivus gathering. Do you think people will still be using napkins in the year 2012? Or is this mouth vacuum thing for real?
20 Days until Festivus. If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Happy Festivus!
21 Days until Festivus. Exactly 3 weeks to go! I'm so exciting I couldn't sleep last night. It was a hot night. My mind was racing. I was thinking about my Festivus pole; the only friend who hadn't betrayed me, the only friend who I didn't write a grievance about by sun up. Sleep tight, friends, in your quilted Chambray nightshirts.
22 Days until Festivus. Today, I have a grievance. On this shirt I am wearing, the second button is in the worst possible spot. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. On this shirt it's too high. It's in no man's land... Have I mentioned this before?
23 Days until Festivus. As of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway. Have you noticed how luxurious it is lately? Happy Festivus!
24 Days until Festivus. After Festivus is over, I'd like to become a sports commentator... I'm qualified. You know how I always make those witty comments during a game? Unfortunately, they generally give those jobs to ex-players and people, you know, in broadcasting. Life is not fair.
25 Days until Festivus. It's getting closer! Can you feel it? You know folks, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day we'd be out here about to solve the world's Christmas holiday problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
26 Days until Festivus... I tried to go shopping yesterday, but there were too many crowds, so... I Quit! Incidentally, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter; my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up!
27 Days until Festivus. Is it raining? Do you need an umbrella? Who buys an umbrella anyway? You can get them for free at the coffee shop in those metal cans.
28 Days until Festivus. Gotta get to the Mall to shop today, but I have to ensure I go to the bathroom before I get into the long lines. Why? Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning.
29 Days until Festivus. Happy Thanksgiving! See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum.
30 Days until Festivus. For those of you travelling today here is my advice. Never be late for a plane with a girl, because a girl runs like a girl, with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make a plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!
31 Days until Festivus. I've got a grievance for all you Yankees fans. Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man with little-girl legs. And guess what! He wasn't really a sultan.
32 Days until Festivus. I've got a great business idea with rickshaws in the city. It's gonna happen! My postman friend knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office. He's mailing us a rickshaw. It can't miss.
33 Days until Festivus. I had a dream that I was free and clear. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery. Too bad it was a dream, but on the good side Festivus is coming soon!
34 Days until Festivus. I'm off to go see an Adam Sandler movie today. I just have to find someone to go with. I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
35 Days until Festivus. You know, some people just don't trust men in capes. You can't cast dispersions on someone just because they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say anything bad about Superman.
36 Days until Festivus. The key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
37 Days until Festivus. You know, cinnamon should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime someone says, "Ooh, this is so good - what's in this?" the answer invariably comes back, "cinnamon." Cinnamon. Again and again.
38 Days until Festivus. I once wore a fur coat fairly regularly, until I had the chance to see another man wearing a fur coat. He looked like a bit of a dandy, so I went out and bought an orange jacket with an 8-ball on the back. It's wonderful! You got a question, you ask the 8 ball! Am I going to wear it all the time? All signs point to yes!
39 Days until Festivus. It's a Monday. For those of you at work, remember that when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy.
40 Days until Festivus. I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.
41 days until Festivus. You know, I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable. Just sayin...
42 Days until Festivus. Today, November 11th, is Veterans Day (USA), Armistice Day or Remembrance Day (British Commonwealth). In respect for the Veterans and for all those that have perished in armed conflict we pause for 2 minutes of silence.
43 Days until Festivus. Warning, this might be too perverse for some. But anyways here's my question. You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster?
44 Days until Festivus. Would you like to hear some interesting trivia? Did you know that the original title for "War and Peace" was "War, What Is It Good For?" ....Huh!
45 Days until Festivus. So what's wrong with my dancing? Someone said that it's more like a full-body dry heave set to music. Is that not good?
46 Days until Festivus. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. Please understand that I do not care for the nickname "Koko the Monkey". From now on, I wish to be known as T-Bone.
47 Days until Festivus. That's the last time I wear a puffy shirt to the mall! Some of those heckles were really uncalled for: "Avast ye matey" - what the hell does that mean? "20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!" - there's no comeback for that!
48 Days until Festivus. I went to a restaurant that advertised unlimited shrimp. I was getting my 4th helping when the waiter said "Hey, the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp." I replied, "Yeah, well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you." For dessert, they gave me a free piece of pie... which I didn't eat.
49 Days until Festivus. As a post-Festivus vacation I was thinking of going to Tuscany, but I was told that there is nothing available.
50 Days until Festivus. What is my grievance today? Carpet sweepers! The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the public since one-hour martinizing.
51 Days until Festivus. I think that everybody should be called Maestro. Yes, it would be really confusing but it would add a lot of class to today's society. If you think that's stupid, that's nothing. I'm about to worship an aluminum pole that will be standing in my living room.
52 Days until Festivus. Todays grievance is that I burned myself in the movie theater by hiding a cup of coffee in my shirt. Is it going to be a problem? Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. It's a clear violation of my rights as a consumer. An infringement on my constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous. It's definitely preposterous.
53 Days until Festivus. Yama hama. It's fright night!
54 Days until Festivus. I was at the Pet Cemetery today and saw the epitaph "Man's Best Friend". You know I really want something like that on my tombstone."
55 Days until Festivus. My grievance today is people who wear sweatpants. You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
56 Days until Festivus. I say, "These is a modern era and it's high time that we came up with a new holiday". My stupid neighbor says, "It's the year 2011. They're cloning sheep now!" ... That's silly! They're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
57 Days until Festivus. My grievance today is with the supermarket. They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket! The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!
58 Days until Festivus. Another grievance to add to the growing pile. Someone wrote to this site and said that these postings are way too small and they can't read them without their glasses. I say, You don't need glasses! You're just weak! YOU'RE WEAK! (queue the sobbing)
59 Days until Festivus. My grievance right now is about the upcoming holiday season. Last year I gave out nothing, but people kept giving me stupid gifts like cuff links. I've had to make all my shirts into French cuff shirts by cutting the button off and poking a hole with a letter opener.
60 Days until Festivus. Can't you feel the commercialized holiday season coming early this year? Today, take some time to listen to the cassette tapes of Festivus past as a reminder of Festivus the holiday for the rest of us. I love that Memorex, it really captured the sobbing during the Feats of Strength.